What's in a name?

I should start off this article by saying that this a totally personal viewpoint on band names and that everyone will have a different spin on what I am about to say.

I think that band names fall into 3 distinct categories for me.

The first is band names that immediately sound quite cool and seem to roll off the tongue. The ones that seem both instantly familiar and seem to have an iconic sound to them from the word go. Examples of these would be:

* The Rolling Stones
* The Kinks
* The Strokes
* Massive Attack
* The Libertines
* Dirty Pretty Things
* Led Zeppelin
* Supergrass

The second category for me includes band names that don't seem quite as obvious at first but soon become second nature to reel off and in retrospect actually seem very clever names. These would include:

* The Arctic Monkeys
* Blur
* The Beatles
* The Beach Boys
* The Stone Roses
* Razorlight
* Basement Jaxx
* Wolfmother
* Babyshambles
* Nirvana

Then, there is the third category which comprises band names which I think are utterly ridiculous and memorable in their stupidity. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the wonderful niche world of heavy metal. Now before going on, I'll exclude some of the bigger acts of heavy metal as their names, like their music are a cut above the rest of this genre and deserve to be separated from the dross that makes up the mainstay of this bizarre niche. Acts such as Guns N Roses, Metallica and Aerosmith to name a few are exempt from the following comments.

Those who are not exempt include:

* Lawnmother Death
* The Motley Crue
* Slayer
* Megadeth
* Anthrax
* Poison
* W.A.S.P. (this stands for We Are Sexual Perverts)
* Def Leppard
* Limp Bizkit
* Slipknot
* Iron Maiden
* Black Sabbath
* Ratt
* Whitesnake

Is it just me or are these names horrendously childish, puerile and just down right inane? Who names their band after an acute infectious disease caused by a spore-forming bacterium (Anthrax), or a medieval torture instrument (Iron Maiden)? What kind of message do bands with names like Lawnmower Death and Slayer send out? Megadeth - I'm guessing that people in places such as Zimbabwe, Tibet and Burma do not see the supposed irony in this particular moniker.

It's not just the band names but the song titles themselves - there is a small pot of common themes they all draw on which include; blood, hell, the devil, whiskey, guns, jail, war, murder, halloween...you get the idea. For example Iron Maiden sang about the devil in 'The Number of the Beast' and in 'Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter' they sang about...well, slaughtering your daughter! They believe the names of their bands and songs will strike fear in the hearts of disbelievers and that they are truly in touch with the devil and have already reserved some prime spots in Hell, ready for the day that they finally die from a whiskey and shotgun induced riot.

If you need any further proof that this entire spandex and leather wearing genre is taking itself way too seriously, then watch Spinal Tap. It sends the big bands of the day up in a glorious way, riffing on their influences, style of music and general attitude towards the cult of being in a heavy metal group.

So, how hard can it be to come up with a name for a heavy metal group? Here are my suggestions:

* Rattlesnake Death Virgin
* Ebola 55
* Guillotine Nightmare
* Roadkill Viper
* Hell Puppets
...

I could go on but what is the point. A small child could be given a scrabble bag full of heavy metal cliches and asked to pull them out in a random order to form band names - this would be no better and no worse than five long haired morons, sat in a squat, trying to decide what combination sounds the most fearsome and satanic.

While you listen to 'Time to Die' or 'Thermo-nuclear War is Good for You' by Lawnmower Deth, I'll be listening to 'Good Vibrations' by The Beach Boys.